It’s 4:42 in the morning and as I write this Red, the love of my life, is sitting on the couch with me. She’s not settling because yet again, she’s having a bout of diarrhea.

It’s the third or fourth night she hasn’t slept which means I haven’t either. For the past two years we’ve been dealing with her dementia, and I’ll tell you it’s taken a huge toll on me emotionally. That, combined with her many other health issues have also taken its toll financially.

I adopt old dogs so health issues have always been part of the package, and like our marriage vows say “in sickness and in health.” A statement I couldn’t agree with more.

The question that has been weighing on my mind for many, many months has been about saying goodbye. Never more so than in the last 3 weeks. Yes I’m stressed, yes there are things I cannot buy because I need the money to care for Red, so I must be very careful that my ultimate decision has nothing to do with those two factors…and I know it won’t.

Could I be blamed if they were? Of course not. No one said we should compromise our emotional and/or financial well-being, but I don’t want such a big and final decision to be made for those reasons. I do not judge those who do, but I want it to be simply (although there’s nothing simple about any of this) about Red’s quality of life.

I feel almost guilty writing about saying goodbye to my much loved sweetheart with her right next to me, but I’m entrusted with her care.

♦ Red crossed the rainbow bridge May 18, 2018. I’ve re-published this article in the hopes it will help someone else who’s close to making that decision. ♦  

This picture is of my husband taking Red for a bike ride in the basket. She really used to enjoy it!

Measuring Quality of Life

One of the “ultimate” questions of a pet parent – how do I measure quality of life? While saying goodbye is always beyond heartbreaking, when it’s for a specific medical reason the decision is straightforward. My pet has X, there’s nothing to be done and she’s in pain or won’t eat… However, when it’s quality of life it’s a much tougher criteria to judge.

I had to base a decision only one other time on that very criteria, and it ate me up for a long time afterwards. Should I have done it sooner? Should I have waited? I fear the same thing will happen now.

My life with Red

I adopted Red 8 ½ years ago when she was approximately 8 years old. We chose each other right away but circumstances didn’t allow me to adopt her for about a year. She lived at a shelter I volunteered at in Florida, so every Sunday when I went to help care for the “oldies” as they were called, we spent time together. She was blind when she arrived at the shelter, and I believe she had been for quite some time before, but I never gave that a second thought.

Over the years she’s developed plenty of health issues, and the amount of medication she’s been on has steadily increased. I try and incorporate natural treatments as well because I believe in holistic care.

She has a few heart issues, lesions on her kidneys and liver, has had a few bouts of pancreatitis, dementia, vestibular disease and many episodes of diarrhea.

Wow, when I write this it sounds like I’m keeping a very sick dog alive for selfish reasons. I can assure you she’s in no pain and is having a good life with us. I wanted to write “great” but the past 3 weeks or so have not been great.

This is me with Red, taken in the park. 

What’s Been Going On?

About 3 weeks ago maybe a bit longer, Red started having diarrhea. She used to have a cast iron stomach and could eat anything. She still has the spirit of a warrior and I believe holds the key to longevity. Nothing has kept this dog down.

Anyway, at one point she was getting diarrhea more often than I’d like, and has spent time on fluids, but that hasn’t happened in many, many months. I attribute that to a natural homemade diet my holistic vet created. Anyway, long story short she was off that and back on her kidney diet and doing fine. I had ordered more but 3 hours before the delivery was due to arrive the shipment got cancelled. Until I was able to source more she was carrying on with chicken, rice and vegetables. Two days later I got her food and later that day she had diarrhea.

Another long story short – her system has become so delicate and keeping her well is such a balancing act that just 2 days off her food and she was slammed with what we discovered about a week later was pancreatitis. Two days at the vet on fluids, a few different medications and she still wouldn’t get off the couch. She had no interest in eating, wouldn’t go out to pee and poop and I was beside myself trying to get her to eat something. She weights around 9lbs but she lost weight and I was worried sick.

She wasn’t recovering, that was not quality of life and I made the decision to let her go. Of course it was an impossible one to make but I knew it was right. As much as I love her and can’t imagine a moment without her, it would not be fair or morally right to leave her as she was. I made the appointment on a Thursday for the next morning, and wouldn’t you know it she perked up the next day. I took her to the vet anyway but of course she came home with me that day.

So What’s Happening Now?

A few nights lately she’s been waking up at least 2 or 3 times to pee. Red typically goes to bed around 7:00PM and doesn’t wake up until about 12 hours later. I put pee pads all over the bedroom floor so she can pee wherever she wants, and I don’t have to get out of bed to take her outside. Of course she does wake me, but what can you do.

The past 2 days and nights she’s had diarrhea and cannot settle. I’m going to call the vet today…again.

Red circles constantly. She literally goes in one direction and will spin like a top. She’s been doing that for a long time, not quite as long as she’s had dementia but a long time. She doesn’t do it when she sits with me so I long ago abandoned my home office and do my work sitting on the couch with her.

Yes I’m sure we can cure her diarrhea again, but there’s a bigger issue and that is as I’ve mentioned, quality of life.

 

Assessing her Quality of Life

She’s always been an incredibly good natured, easy going dog. Always wagging her tail and just loving spending time with me.

Now the same is true but her dementia has been getting a bit worse, her circling is crazy constant and I have to ask if it’s morally right to allow her to live like this.

I’m sure I could try CBD oil and melatonin, of course I can keep her on the couch with me, and yes I can treat her diarrhea and pancreatitis as it happens…but just because there is something to try does not mean it is “right” to do it. And at what point do you say it’s no longer fair?

Looking for Answers

I recently read something written by one of the members of my FB group (Senior Dog Care Club) in a discussion about quality of life. She suggested marking on the calendar whether that day was a good day for the dog or a bad one. When you see the number of bad ones outweighing the good you know it’s time.

That resonated with me and thought it was quite a good way to judge. Of course when it comes to make that ultimate irreversible decision, it’s much harder than that.

I don’t expect to find answers as I write this, although I would like to and I’m not one to share emotions on a public forum, not even to close friends and family. I tend to shut down and deal with these types of things alone as I am doing now.

I guess I thought it would be good to document this in the hopes it might help others. I know many people going through similar experiences feel guilty when they see they’re tired and stressed and fed up. I know they love their animals more than they have words to describe, and I know they’re facing the impossible task of deciding when it’s time to say goodbye.

To all of you I say – do not feel guilty, never feel bad and recognise you’re human. You’re doing more than many others would ever dream of doing and I can say that with certainty, just by knowing how many animals are dumped in shelters, particularly when they’re old.

I know it’s an agonising decision, one I’m also having an impossible time making, but watching the love of my life struggle, particularly these past few weeks, means the decision must come soon.

Yes I’m crying as I write this, because I’m watching her sitting in front of the heater keeping warm with that sweet, innocent face and I know I will have to let her go sooner rather than later, and I cannot imagine what life will be like without her.

Of course I will rescue another old dog, but one day not having Red in my life is not something I can imagine. I do have the strength to do what is best for her, and that’s something I have done for her since the day we first met.  

 

I help senior dog parents struggling with anticipatory grief and quality of life issues by offering practical tips, advice and one on one support. I am also a Pet Loss Bereavement Specialist, helping you navigate through your pet loss journey.

Visit my services page to book a FREE 20 minute discovery call, or email me (Hindy) at hindy.greypawsandall@gmail.com if you have any questions.